Ye Olde Shoppe | Shop management for old-school games

An old school game can benefit from deeper systems that explore the rules and activities that are not the focus of the game. The system I present here is not a replacement for the existing rules. The existing rules are sufficient for a game that does not focus on trading goods, so a simple system, for an element of the game that will be used very rarely, doesn’t require further exploration and depth. But, what if you want to try something new? A combination of dungeoncrawling and business administration?

The players create their adventurers normally, they take them to explore dungeons and old ruins, they loot forgotten tombs and they recover relics and treasures, but instead of only looking for a buyer, they want to open a store and put on sale all the accumulated treasure, or at least the most mundane ones (works of art, simple weapons, pottery).

This system can be adopted by a single player, or between at least two players to form a cooperative. The distribution of the money to found the store, as well as the profits it generates and the payments to the employees, are decided by the members of the cooperative, although to avoid conflicts, the referee can rule that everyone gives and takes the same percentage.

Making a Shop

A character or cooperative must invest a minimum of 5,000 cash to open a store, but its reputation value will be -10. Every 5,000 extra cash invested in it adds some reputation points or changes the amount of possible sales made weekly:

Sales. A sale can be any amount of items it makes sense. A single adventurer might only purchase a couple arrows and some rope, but a 4-person party might need equiptment for everyone. The referee can use this to control how money moves in the world, or he can make random tables of customer for every reputation level.

Base price. The price of the products must be equal to the price in the list of items in the manual of the game you use, or can be proposed by the players with the approval of the referee. The price of items that don’t exist in the manuals is set by the referee.

Base price modifier. Reputation modifies the value of products by a percentage equal to their score, so a -10 score store sells items 10% cheaper than the base price, and a 50 score store, 50% more expensive.

Purchase. When a customer makes a purchase, the referee pulls 2d6:

Charisma. The salesman’s charisma value affects the previous die roll:

Salesman. There are four options: 1) Players can take turns, 2) One of the characters can retire from the adventure life and dedicate exclusively to the management of the store, 3) Players can create a new level 1 character to manage the store, 4) They can hire a salesman.

All options, except the first one (PCs taking turns), receive a commission for each sale made. The salesman’s charisma determines the commission as shown below, but the referee can adjust these values as needed:

20 items that can be bought at Ye Olde Shoppe

1d6 Random Tables

The OSR Weapons Race is back!

The adventurers enter a room. What’s in this room? Roll one d6 and then another.

1) A clay pot

  1. 450 gold coins; 1-in-6 chance (plus your wisdom modifier if you have a valuation, appraisal or taxing background) to realise they’re fake (iron pyrite, aka the fool’s gold, i.e. worthless).
  2. White powder. Inhale and re-roll your HD. The result is your new maximum (and current) hit points. Enough powder for the entire party.
  3. A human eye comes out floating around you, it follows you everywhere, you are now only surprised in 1-in-6. If you’re an elf: sorry, no cookie for you. Also: under bright light (daylight, &c), you are dazzled, suffering a -1 to all of your rolls until you move away from the light (or wear sunglasses).
  4. Some kind of swamp gas. Save vs. Poison or fungal spores penetrate your brain and control you, enpowering your death drive. You get a -2 penalty in all your Saving Throws and your AC. When you die, small, pretty fungi sprout from your head, releasing more spores, and the cycle repeats: everyone in the area makes a Saving Throw, and so on. After a few weeks, there’s an increasing chance of encountering “fungal zombies”, marking the start of the fungal apocalypse, of which you are the sole responsibles. In less than a a year, most of the world (i.e. Europe) will have been decimated.
  5. You release a sentient and friendly flatulence. As a reward, he can guide you to a place where he knows there is an amazing treasure, but he doesn’t know what dangers might be inside: It’s the Tower of the Stargazer. If this is your second time, Uravulon Calcidius has been somehow freed and he’s very angry.
  6. Very old, very strong wine. Drink and you can see goddess Demeter. Is she real, though?

2) Nerd gadgets

  1. Astrolabe. You can determine the position of the sun or stars. If you are a Magic-User, everyday morning roll 1d6. 1: One extra spell of any level you can cast. 6: You can’t cast your highest level spells.
  2. Electric battery. You can mount it to any steel weapon, like a sword or halberd. Roll to attack. 20: Your weapon causes damage as the next better weapon (a d6 weapon deals d8 instead). 1: You suffer that damage.
  3. Shadow set. AC 12. Look like a ninja! It grants you one extra pip in Stealth, a +6 to Saving Throws vs. Poison, and +2 vs. Death. You can’t wear any armor when wearing the shadow set.
  4. A thing with a button. Push the button. A voice comes out: “To release the soul one must die. To find peace inside you must get eternal”. Save vs. Death. Once dead, you hear the same voice: What you found was eternal death. No one will ever miss you”.
  5. Strange goggles. These goggles are attached to the head and cannot be removed without permanently blind you. You have X-ray vision, you can see everyone as skeletons, but also detect hidden weapons and the like. You can no longer recognize people’s faces or general appearance.
  6. A thing with many buttons. Numerals, buttons that say VOL or CH or CC, you really don’t get it. When pointed at someone and a button is pressed, it produces 1d4 effects: 1: An extra combat action every two rounds (first round, one action; second round, two actions). 2: You can make only two actions every three rounds, i.e. round one, action; round two, action, round three, no action. 3: Your character is changed: roll up a new character. That’s you now. 4: You see everything in black and white.

3) The ancient tome

  1. You learn the language of either frogs and toads, or fungi.
  2. You learn how to breed spiders.
  3. You learn useful survival skills (+1 Bushcraft).
  4. You learn everything about the African walrus and its gestation period.
  5. You learn that you know less than you think (-1 Wisdom).
  6. The book is blank. 666 pages of nothing except numbering. If you pass page by page and read each page number (1, 2, 3… 665, 666), Satan comes to you. What does he want?

4) Mysterious scroll

  1. Strange map. It’s the map of 2019 London.
  2. Love letter a married woman you know (maybe a noble) wrote for her peasant lover. How dit it get here? More importantly: How can you take advantage?
  3. Letter dated two weeks ago: “Have any arcane tomes to trade? Bring them to me. Franz von Hatzfeld, Würzburg’s Prince-Bishop” (Better Than Any Man).
  4. It’s 30 sheets of parchment, written in an unknown language and including strange illustrations of things that should not be and unknown astronomical charts. Language rolls and any other intent to understand the content are automatically failed. If a character or player says something on the lines of: “Let’s accept that this text doesn’t mean anything at all, maybe it’s just a joke made by a troll”, his or her character gains one point of Wisdom, because that’s the truth, it doesn’t have any hidden meaning, it’s just doodles or callygraphy exercises or even a prank.
  5. Sheet music entitled “Vanilla Fantasy”. Written for theorbo, when performed the space between the musicians and the audience opens up. All listeners must make a successful Saving Throw vs. Magic or, when the music’s over, be willing to be devoured by the sky, meaning they throw themselves to the opening and disappear. Save vs. Death if you prefer.
  6. In German. Secret Language roll. If the PC already knows German, she still rolls with a +1 bonus, because it’s neither Upper nor Central Geman, but a variation of Low German. It’s a witchcraft recipe to gain 1 point in two abilities or 2 points in one ability. The character has to mix three spoons of ground thistle, mistletoe and aconitum with [successful roll] a spoon of blood of a child or [failed roll] a spoon of blood from the ripped heart of a child. Both versions of the ritual work.

5) Curiosities

  1. Three astragali. If a character rolls these, the player must roll 3d6 and replace their current Charisma value with the result of the roll. A second roll replaces Constitution, then Dexterity, then Intelligence, then Strength, then Wisdom. A seventh roll and further rolls deduct one point from all six ability scores.
  2. A skeleton holding a silver spoon. The spoon is doubly cursed. 1) While you possess it, you need double food/water rations, 2) You cannot get rid of it, it always re-appears among your possessions. It can be stolen, though.
  3. A portrait of a random PC and a man. It doesn’t seem a painting, it’s too real to be a painting. Behind there’s this note: “I wish you good luck in your adventures. Love, Abraham”. Abraham is your husband, always has been, and you don’t remember finding the picture, you always brought it with you.
  4. The most beautiful mother-of-pearl comb you have ever seen. Comb someone’s hair and it grows 5 cm per night, non-stop. When it’s long enough to headbang to the rhythm of Emperor’s “Curse you all men”, the hair will try to strangle you (Saving Throw vs. Death). If you survive the attack, you have to get rid of it, maybe removing your scalp. Cutting it doesn’t help, it grows like a hydra’s head.
  5. Voodoo doll. If you stick a pin while observing someone up to 30 metres away, make an attack roll for 1d6 damage. It works 1d4 times a day, modified by Charisma (minimum one).
  6. A crystal dagger that grants a +1 bonus against evil orcs for 1d4 damage. Too bad orcs don’t exist in this world.

6) Ancient artifacts*

  1. Bell of Valor. Gold tintinnabulum shaped like a winged phallus. If the bell is hung over the head of a sleeper, he will be visited by an angel in the form of a lion with eagle’s wings and a huge flaming sword. The dream is vague, but the effect is evident: If you go unarmoured during that day, you can wield two mêlée weapons (minor or small, 1d4 or 1d6 points of damage) during combat. You only have to make one attack roll, and if you succeed, roll two damage dice instead of one. During a round, you can renounce one of the damage dice (i.e. only use one weapon to attack) and add +1 to your AC. This must be declared at the start of the round.
  2. Bathory Heart. Eat it. Bathing in the blood of your enemies (or friends) restores your hit points. From the second time you do it, make a Saving Throw vs. Magic, if you fail: 1) You don’t get your hit points back, 2) When you level up, you won’t gain any additional hit points (except those given by your Constitution modifier; god forbid it’s a negative number), 3) The effect of the Bathory Heart dissipates.
  3. White Obsidian Pendant. It belonged to a great hero before he disappeared into the Abyss where he travelled to prevent the Pelagic Darkness from overcoming the world. Might the hero still be there, in an eternal struggle? The possessor of this pendant can travel between the realms of light and darkness: mechanically, she has both alignments: Law and Chaos. Any effect that affects one of these alignments negatively is automatically denied; any effect that affects it positively is accepted.
  4. The One Ring of Invisibility. A gold ring with a strange inscription. Language roll: You know what it says, you don’t know what language it is written in, though: “Invisibility”. The ring becomes invisible when worn.
  5. Hands of Hope and Glory. A girl’s dried and pickled left hand with a candle wick made of her hair, over a woman’s right hand that serves as a candleholder. The small hand is a closed fist with the middle finger raised, with the words: “Paint my name with their blood” tattooed. The light from this “candle” illuminates like an ordinary candle but only for the holder. Placing the lit ‘candle’ in front of a door causes the door to open automatically. When used for the fifth time, the light will spark releasing a smell of burnt mandrake and cannot be used again.
  6. The Coire Ansic. One of four relics of the Thiata Dé Danann. Boil water and stones in this cooking pot and it will produce the best soup you have ever tasted.

*These properties can be partially known with the Identify spell. For instance, you know you have to eat Bathory’s heart but you don’t know the effect until you actually eat it.

Note for referees: Use common sense. Or use weird sense. Whatever is not stated, you decide.

A monster and a drug for Esoteric Enterprises

The Consumer

The Consumer is “something the size of a baby hippo, the color of a week-old boiled potato, that lives by itself, in the dark, in a double-wide on the outskirts of Topeka. It’s covered with eyes and it sweats constantly. The sweat runs into those eyes and makes them sting. It has no mouth… no genitals, and can only express its mute extremes of murderous rage and infantile desire by changing the channels on a universal remote.” (William Gibson)

When the Consumer points its universal control at you, save against machines or roll a d12 and suffer one of the next effects.

Roll 1d12

  1. Make a new character, randomize it as much as possible. Your actual character no longer exists. But you keep your identity and equipment. Those who didn’t witness your transmogrification will never really believe that you are who you claim to be.
  2. “Every thought that advances through the greased tunnels of my brain carries with it its own hungry negation.” (Michael Gira). Mechanically, swap Intelligence and Wisdom. Also, lose your next action.
  3. Reverse your stats (3 becomes 18, 4 becomes 17, &c. 1 or 2 become 18, though.)
  4. You are teleported to a previous location, (randomly?) determined by your referee.
  5. Your sex is randomly changed. Re-roll your Charisma and Constitution to further represent the change.
  6. Roll a die: An odd result means you lose a permanente point of Grit; an even result means you lose a permanent point of Flesh.
  7. All further saves against machines you make, are rolled at -1.
  8. You are turned off. All your rolls for the rest of the day are made with a penalization of -1 or -2 (your referee will tell you which each time).
  9. You remain motionless, like a paused VHS tape, for 1d4 rounds.
  10. When you make an attack, roll twice and use the worse result; if you fail the attack, it was simply because you glitched back a few steps and attacked the air.
  11. Roll 1d16* and compare your result with Shocking Wounds (p. 45).
  12. Your memory is erased, replaced by a centipede’s. Your referee will explain this to you.

*Roll 1d8 and 1d6. If the d6 gives an even result, add 8 to the result on the d8.

All other stats are not important, come up with something, it can be a fat man who trolls people via Twitter or perhaps and old lady with cats.

Black Coca

Sold in every corner and every Walmart in the city, when this product by the Black Coke Company is inhaled, you acquire the spook power Creature of the Night (p. 64) for the next 8 hours. After the effect ends, make a save against poison or lose 1 permanent point of Flesh and suffer 1d4 Flesh damage from your new total.

Undead creatures who inhale black coca acquire the power permanently and are immune to Flesh poisoning.

This blog entry was sponsored by The Incubus Club. This blog entry was not sponsored by Esoteric Enterprises but you should get it anyway because it’s goddamn good!

The Great “Gnonmen Diet” Blog

“Gnonmen prize any living thing above any non-living thing in any circumstances. To them, life is the justification for the world and its true continuity. The spine of reality. All is a fiction. Only life and its laws are authentic. Kings and wealth both fade and die, but life is strong and grows and time goes on in its real continuity. Life is what is real. Life knows neither good nor bad nor justice as a measure of morals. It simply is and it must be preserved.”
-Patrick Stuart (Veins of the Earth)

“Gnonmen like to grow living things.”
-Me (Here)

Gnonmen grow mushrooms and plants adapted to underground darkness. Both products form their main source of food, but do not think that they lack a variety of flavors and benefits. Through centuries of experimentation, they have created different varieties, divided into four basic groups with specific nutritional properties, derived from the type of compost used in the crops.

1d4 Sources of Gnonmen Compost

  1. Type 1. Dead animals and plants. These foods provide fiber, protein and fat.
  2. Type 2. Soil and plants. These foods provide glucose, fiber, vitamins and minerals.
  3. Type 3. Dead adventurers. These foods provide calcium, protein and fat.
  4. Type 4. Living adventurers. See next.

Living Adventurers Compost

Although Gnonmen are not cruel or evil, they sometimes hunt adventurers (or get them from dungeon traps). When they capture an adventurer they hold him firmly to the ground in a dark cave and make him inhale spores of certain fungi that only grow under certain conditions of darkness and humidity. In a few days, new fungi will sprout from their skin cavities, causing them a hypersleep state (and pleasant psychedelic wet dreams) while keeping them alive by transmitting nutrients captured from the air and soil (and a little help from the farmers).

Farmers take care with loving attention of the adventurer-orchard, because these mushrooms, modified by the adventurer’s genetics, have an incomparable flavor, among other properties. These minuscule mushrooms are called Adventuring Mushrooms.

1d6* Effects** of Eating a Balanced Meal in a Gnonmen Settlement (Which Always Includes Adtenturing Mushrooms)

  1. Blood Poisoning (Gnonmen are immune; they heal 6 hp instead). See below.
  2. Re-roll or your Hit Dice; that your new maximum hp.
  3. Up your nose. Can’t smell anything but raw compost and suffer -1 to attack rolls and perception rolls involving smells, due to being generally sickened for the next d12 hours. Gnonmen gain +1 bonus instead.
  4. Save versus Magic. Success means you can increase a random Ability by 1. In LotFP terms, a score of 18 gains a modifier of +4. Failure means you have an uncontrollable hunger and what you want to eat is your host. Whether you succeed or not, you will be declared a non-pleasant person from this moment. Gnonmen don’t make a save, they get lucid dreams during the night instead, and upon awakening they have brought something from the dreamworld (referee’s choice).
  5. Is…is that a finger? Save versus Magic or realize what this stuff was made out of, suffering -1 to all rolls until you get a good long bath.
  6. There’s a gold ring in your bowl, you almost drowned with it. It’s pretty and seems valuable (50 sp/gp). It must be easy to sell it. But if you try to sell it, the buyer knows who it belonged to and believes that you murdered poor Edgardo de León y Molina, a Spanish nobleman well liked by the authorities. Of course he will report you.

*The second time a party tries it, he rolls a d4 instead. Gnonmen always roll d4.
**Some of these were inspired by, or blatantly stolen from Dick McGee

1d4 Things That Happen When You Eat a Gnonmen

  1. You get lucid dreams during the night, and upon awakening you have brought something from the dreamworld (referee’s choice).
  2. Your maximum hp is increased by 1d6.
  3. Save versus Paralysis at -1. If you fail, you fall unconscious and when you awake, you have become an adventurer-orchard. You are feverishly conscious but unable to talk or move.
  4. “To Gnonmen the body is superficial, accidental. Tone, brightness, occluding or refracting, that is all. The eyes matter to them, not the face.” (Patrick Stuart; VotE) Save versus Posion or become just like Gnonmen. When you kill, you always take your victim’s eyes. You strive to keep the eyes of your victims in good condition until you find a specialist who can keep them permanently bright, like jewelry. Fresh eyes are kept in jars, 6 eyes (3 pairs) occupy a space in your inventory equal to a weapon or medium object. The eyes turned into jewels do not take up space if you use them as an ornament.

Blood Poisoning

Contagion. Save versus Poison or contract the disease.

Incubation and interval. After 8 hours, and at each 8-hour interval (3 times a day), save versus Poison again or vomit blood and suffer d6 damage, and a cumulative -1 penalty to all your rolls due to malaise. When you save successfully, you don’t vomit, don’t suffer hp damage and the penalties are reset.

Duration. If the disease doesn’t kill you or is cured, has a natural duration of 3 weeks.

2 body horror tables for Esoteric Enterprises and LotFP

Esoteric Enterprises and the OSR Weapons Race meet at last! These tables are for the new Emmy Allen‘s game, which is fantastic, but they have LotFP conversion notes, because it’s still my game of choice, and ever shall be, world without end, amen.*

I also made a playlist for my campaign: The Incubus Club. I will add some more songs, but it’s pretty much complete now.

Table 1. Things that happen when you imbibe a potion made with genetically modified teeth (or the new white Coca-Cola, limited edition)

  1. Teeth armour. An incalculable amount of teeth and molars sprout from your entire body, giving you a base AC of 16 (18 in LotFP). Each time an enemy gets a natural 20 when attacking you, some teeth fall and the AC reduces two points, until everyone falls and returns to base AC of 10 (12 in LotFP).
  2. Head teeth. Sharp teeth and fangs sprout from your head, your hair falls; you can make a headbutt attack that deals d6 damage.
  3. Teeth for eyes. Your eyes have teeth, now you have The Stare. When you Stare your enemy, she must save versus Stunning (Paralysis in LotFP) or she loses her shit and her next turn, full of dread and anxiety.
  4. Teeth guts. Your stomach develops its own teeth, altering your digestive system. You save vs Poison at +2.
  5. Fanged hand-palm. A mouth full of sharp teeth appears in the palm of your hand, it talks non-stop in a strange language; if you are an Occultist (Magic-User in LotFP), you have an extra slot for a spell of any level you can cast. Other classes only get annoyed at its constant chatter.
  6. Shark teeth. You have a huge smile, and your bite causes d10 damage but you lose a handful of teeth and you can’t bite again until they grow back in d4 days. The lost teeth remain embedded on his flesh dealing additional d4 damage each round until he saves vs Stunning (Paralysis in LotFP) and the teeth fall.

Drawbacks: You suffer terrible body aches everyday; each morning make a save vs Stunning (Paralysis in LotFP), modified by your Constitution, and repeat it each 8 hours during abstract, overland time, or each 6 turns during exploration time. If this roll is failed, all your next rolls are at -1; a second failed roll during the same day increased the penalty to -2; a third failure during increases the penalty to -3 until you sleep, and no further saves are made.

Table 2. What happens when you watch the movie La Fin Absolue du Monde

  1. Spirit of violence. Save versus Magic or a feeling of great violence will take over you; you will start attacking everyone present until everyone is dead, you are dead, or 10 rounds pass.
  2. Cigarette burns. You are burning from the inside, as if countless cigarettes were searing your from within, leaving 4d6 blisters and burn marks, each causing you 1 point of damage. If you suffer 10 or more damage, your charisma decreases to the next lower modifier, if you are already at -3, just lower a point (in LotFP, a Charisma of 2 or less, is -4). If you suffer 24 damage, save vs Poison; if you succeed, you are horribly scorched and must live wrapped in gauze and bandages; if you fail, “you’re dead and the corpse is burnt to oblivion. Nothing but ashes or gunk is left behind.” (EE. p. 46)
  3. Heavenly memories. You remember your true origin, all your memories until the game started were false. You’re an angel. Recovering this memory makes you spread your wings, tearing your flesh. But so much time has passed since your fall, and of your beautiful wings only bones and membranes remain. You are a fallen angel. At this moment you gain a monstrous power and another every 3 levels, up to a total of three. The options are (in LotFP, use what’s in brackets): Breathe Fire (d6 damage), Creature of the Night (+1 to Skills and Damage, +2 to d20 Rolls, in darkness; in sunllight, the values are negative), Darkvision (see well in darkness), Extinguish (turn simple lights off), Flame (create simple flames), Huge Size (+1 HP per HD), Immune to Fire, Inhuman Beauty (+1 to Reaction and Charisma rolls), Magical Prodigy (can cast spells from scrolls, or gain an extra spell slot if already a caster), Silent (Stealth always succeeds).
  4. Obsession. You become obsessed with the movie and want to see it every day. If you don’t see it once every 24 hours, the following happens: Bodyguard, perception in 1-in-6; Criminal (and Specialist in LotFP), skills at -1; Doctor, medicine in 1-in-6; Explorer, stealth in 1-in-6; Mercenary (and Fighter in LotFP), attack bonus as if you were zero-level; Mystic and Occultist (and Cleric, Magic-User and Elf in LotFP), save vs magic when you cast a spell or it doesn’t work; Spook, lose one of his monstrous powers. (Dwarf and Halfling make all their saves at -1 in LotFP).
  5. Suicidal thoughts. You hate yourself and you want to die. Save versus Magic three times every day (morning, noon and night). If you fail two saves in a row, you commit suicide in a gruesome manner. You must roleplay this.
  6. I don’t want to watch! Something takes control of your hand and makes you gouge your own eye. All your rolls based on sight are done at -1. Your hand becomes black as if charred, then rests on your chest and refuses to move ever again. You can no longer use shields or two-handed weapons.

No movies on LotFP? So there’s no chance your players ever watch this wonderful movie, or any other, in your LotFP campaign? Then make it a symphony or a spell or something.

*Tanslation: Because fuck you that’s why.

“I eat the body!” A new OSR Weapons Race random table

I Eat the Body!

The “I search the body” random table is a staple of fantasy games, but a weird fantasy game needs something more, something else. Each part of the body has different effects on the adventurer turned cannibal.

Heart

When a player announces that her character eats the still beating heart of her victim, roll 1d4; this is what happens:

  1. You develop a second heart. The veins of your eyes burst and become permanently red; your Charisma-based rolls are made with a penalty of -2. From now on, when you gain a level, roll your new hit points with the next bigger die (a Fighter rolls d10, a Magic-User rolls d6 and so on).
  2. You suffer a myocardial microinfarction and you lose your next action. Roll all your Hit Dice again minus one (if you are level 4, roll 3 dice); if the result is less than your current hit points, that’s your new HP; if the total is greater, keep your current points.
  3. You lose control of your body. Anytime something important happens (encounters, mainly), you must save vs Paralysis of you will have a physical reaction that fits the situation in some way, accompanied by a mechanical penalization (miss a round, -1 to attack rolls, and so on.)
  4. You have a chronic change of heart. Whenever you need to remain silent or hidden (like during a Stealth roll or an Ambush round), you must save vs Magic; if you fail, you start laughing uncontrollably

Arms or Legs

When you are lost in a dark dungeon with nothing to eat, your buddy starts looking really tasty, right? Go ahead, roll 1d4 and see what happens:

  1. A phalanx, or a similar bone gets stuck in your throat. Save vs Death or die from suffocation.
  2. Your hit points are replenished.
  3. Your hit points are replenished. But. Save vs Poison or you will be infected with (horror fantasy) scurvy. After one day, make another save vs Poison, and if you fail, suffer d6 damage; roll again every eight hours until you either die or are cured. Eating a bunch of citruses means that you can skip the next saving throw, but you can only benefit from it once every 24 hours.
  4. You just ate cursed flesh. Now you’re cursed. At the most inopportune moment, your hand will act by itself, usually to your detriment (it’s up to the referee). On the bright side, your unarmed attacks never miss.

Brain

Even if you are not a zombie, a brain is a delicacy you won’t want to miss. Roll 1d4 and see:

  1. A strong migraine, you can’t make rolls or any exhaustive actions for the rest of the day. Also, your Intelligence is decreased by 1.
  2. Your Intelligence is increased by 1. You gain a one-time only spell slot, with one random spell (any!)
  3. Your Intelligence is increased by 1 but you have weird nightmares. And I mean weird! Each morning, save vs Magic, and if you fail, you spontaneously cast Summon. The entity it tries to summon will be of your same level.
  4. You develop immunity to brain diseases, dementia and mind-control effects, including magic, but you must consume human brains at least once every fortnight or your Intelligences is decreased by 1.

Eyes

Eyes are tasty. They keep secret knowledge, they know stories, they have seen it all. What do you see? Roll 1d4 to find out:

  1. You can anticipate the movements of your enemies. For the rest of the day, you get a +2 bonus on your armor and +1 on your attacks.
  2. You see dead people. You see them all the time, they distract you, you can’t help it. All your rolls that require concentration are done at -1. You need a barber surgeon to perform eye surgery on you (removing your eyes and attaching new ones) to get rid of these visions.
  3. They say that the eyes are the windows of the soul, and some truth must be in that. You have gained one of the characteristics or some important knowledge from the owner of those eyes you just ate (referee’s choice).
  4. You can see in the dark. But in the light, you need to save vs Paralysis or be blinded until you get cover.

Viscera

For some reason, I don’t know. Ask your players!

  1. You’re disgusting. Cha -1.
  2. Yeah, you are disgusting. Cha -1 and you smell funny. Your smell makes dogs attack you on sight.
  3. Oh, yeah. You are disgusting. Cha -1. You emanate an unpleasant aura and dogs and all kinds of beasts get away from you.
  4. Have I told you how disgusting you are? Cha -1. You develop a taste for it. You don’t recover hit points when you sleep if you didn’t eat viscera during that day (either animal or human).

More? Oh, sure. More!

1d10 things you find when you walk the line between good and evil and open a door without caution

In LotFP it’s pretty common to find weird shit. I bring you 1d10 things you find when you walk the line between good and evil and open a door without caution. You know, when you didn’t search for traps and the like.

Roll 1d10

  1. Alien Sex Fiend
  2. Mine’s Full of Maggots
  3. Instant Karma Sutra
  4. Ignore The Machine
  5. Wild Women
  6. Black Rabbit
  7. Eat! Eat! Eat!
  8. Breakdown And Cry
  9. Here Cum Germs
  10. B – B – Bone Boogie

Descriptions

Alien Sex Fiend

Armour: 12
Hit Dice: 4
Movement: 120′ (40′)
Attacks: Eye Beam or Warp Speech
Damage: d8 or d4 Int
Morale: 9

Like a Cousin Itt formed of toxic green dildos, going bald. It’s black and resembles a bowler hat.

Eye Beam: Shoots pink rays through the (concealed) eyes for a d8 damage.

Warp Speech: It emits a warped sounds that harms your mind, dealing d4 Int temporary damage. You recover one point per day you don’t engage in adventuring activities, plus an additional point if in complete isolation.

Mine’s Full of Maggots

The door opens to a mine’s gallery full of maggots. Save vs death or die buried under tons of maggots.

Instant Karma Sutra

Yes, your are fucked… save or die.

You activated a trap. A sharp pointy stick comes from the ground below you, penetrating your soft skin, intestines, lungs and, finally, brain. Unless you succeed the saving throw, of course.

Ignore The Machine

You hear a robotic voice telling you forbidden things. Save vs magic device to ignore it. Fail and you’ll be mentally irradiated and suffer a mutation. Roll d4:

  1. Take your lowest ability, substitute it with your Int. If Int was your lowest, then reduce it in one point.
  2. Your pores constantly suppurate a wild green fiendish liquid. When you make a melee attack and hit your enemy, he must save vs poison or take an additional damage of d4. Whoever has physical contact with you suffers the same damage.
  3. Information overload! Gain Int 18. Also, you no longer care any more. About nothing! You are the true neutral, you break allegiance to either Chaos or Law, you fucking nihilist. You are still controlled by the same player, but won’t pursue evil or good goals per evil’s or good’s sake. You will only just because, because dying and living is the same, you might as well act, it really helps to break the monotony.
  4. Oops! Wrong planet. You suddenly remember you are not human. What you actually are, it’s up to your referee, but it will be something nasty and alien and super cool.

Wild Women

When the next encounter escalates into violent conflict, all the women in the party go wild, receiving a +2 to their attacks and an extra Hit Die for the duration of the encounter.

Black Rabbit

An obsidian earring in the shape of an stylized moon and rabbit. The wearer gets a +1 to their Dex-related rolls, and a +1 AC penalty.

Eat! Eat! Eat!

A savage, zombie-like hunger fills you. You buddies look tasty, by the way. Attack! And eat them.

Breakdown And Cry

Save vs paralysis or, during your next combat you will remember something you don’t want to talk about, then breakdown and cry, losing d4 rounds.

Here Cum Germs

You breathe in a gas cloud. Save vs poison or contract a disease. Starting the next day, after making an attack you must save vs poison or lose 1d3 rounds due to cough (if you have a shield, during this time it doesn’t provide its armor bonus). This effect persists for d4 + 2 days.

B – B – Bone Boogie

Armour: 14
Hit Dice: Special (see below)
Movement: 120′ (40′)
Attacks: Weapon
Damage: Per weapon
Morale: 8
Architecture: 5 in 6

Looks like a regular skeleton, but it speaks with a stuttering, rattling voice. It’s actually intelligent, more NPC than monster. If one player character has recently died, this guy can be a good replacement.

Hit Dice: As you see fit, specially as a replacement character, in which case, ask the player to roll a new character, then only reskin it as a stuttering skeleton with natural armor of 14 (as Leather) and starting Architecture skill of 5. Remove any racial skills and features (like surprise for elves or Bushcraft for halflings).

Inspiration: Alien Sex Fiend

Artwork: Alien Sex Fiend, Toonclips

1d10 things that happen when you inhale the ashes of the outer god you just killed

Thus began the Great OSR Weapons Race!

This table is in response to this table and this FB thread. And this table is a continuation.

Well then. These are 10 things that can happen to adventurers by inhaling the ashes that remain by killing an outré entity or returning it to its dimension.

Save vs poison or…

  1. You go all Uma Thurman. You need a heart restart1 or you will die in 10 minutes.
  2. You go all Uma Thurman (glitch version). You need a spiritual fix2 or you become a slime in 10 minutes.
  3. You go berserker and start (roll a die) odd: attacking, even: kissing whoever is closer to you. You calm down once you are subdued or there’s no one else to kill/kiss around.
  4. Your skin drops and the Krokodil3 that you always were is exposed. Permanently.
  5. You go all chamaleonic. At the beginning of an encounter, there’s a 1 in 6 chance you instantly shift shape to one of Bowie’s avatars. One with big hair, probably.
  6. Now you’re feeling zombified. Whenever you reach zero hit points, no matter what your system says, you die, you live again. Well, unlive. As a zombie. Roll a new character.
  7. Remember those weird and vivid dreams Stilton Cheese caused you? Well, this is the same, only worse, since it’s not a dream, since you are actually there!4
  8. A cat5 starts following you everywhere. He’s a little weird, her colors are not right, their sex is fluid like acid. No one else seems to notice it, though. Sometimes s/he talks to you.
  9. You start talking in a cut-up English (or whatever languages you speak). Listeners have to save vs magic to be able to understand your general message, but not the details. It lasts 1d4 hours.
  10. Nothing happens, you don’t feel anything strange, nothing at all. Nor your legs, nor your arms, nor your… wait? Are you a floating head!?6
click me

Notes

  1. Cure magic or something
  2. Remove curse or something
  3. Keep your character class. Gain natural AC 16 (or equivalent to chainmail; wearing real armor is impossible for you unless it’s custom made), natural weapon (bite) d10, and new race-as-class ability Hold Breath (you can hold breath under water for an hour). Remove all elven, dwarven, halfling, or any other non-human ability you have.
  4. It’s a good opportunity for the referee to dust off Carcosa or something.
  5. Bad Trip Cat. It doesn’t have stats, it doesn’t exist. Maybe it’s the adventurer’s inner self, spirit, personal jesus, moral consciousness.
  6. It’s up to the referee, of course.
When you inject drugs, Jesus Christ hurts more than you.

“I eat the monster!” Now see what happens

Eating monsters? Why, yes! Monster meat (and flesh) have special properties that vary a lot depending on the creature’s diet and habits when before you killed it. When you eat a monster (or a portion), roll d20 on the next table.

Note that stats are written for Into the Odd. WIL (Willpower) roughly equals WIS (Wisdom). Armour 1 means an armour denies one point of damage. A Full Rest is a week, or the time you need to recover all your hp. Impaired means all your attacks cause d4 Damage, in other games it can be Disadvantage or ignore all to-hit bonuses. Saves are what most games call roll under your ability as well as Saving Throws.

1 STR and hp are restored
2 WIL is increased in 1 permanently
3 If you find a monster like the one you just ate, you can control it
4 On full moon, you transform in a monster like it
5 Lose all hp. After a Full Rest, your awake with an Armour 1 layer of nutshell hard skin
6 A week later, your claws grow and cause d4 damage; a year later, they cause d6 damage
7 You can’t recover after a Full Rest if you don’t eat or drink human or ape flesh or blood
8 Overnight, you grow a monkey-like tail
9 You’re blind! No, wait. Not blind. After a night’s sleep you can see ghosts and dead people
10 Your head changes into a dog’s head, d6 Bite. To talk, make a WIL save or start barking
11 Poisonous! Suffer d20 Damage
12 Same effect as being drunk. You are Impaired for the next 24 hours starting now
13 What’s that itching? Allergy? You scratch (choose where), now you have skeletal a part
14 Your legs become a bird’s legs. Your DEX saves related to movement and speed are +2
15 You wake up the next day covered in thick hirsute black hair
16 Your skin becomes blue, people think you’re cute
17 From now on, you must eat the flesh of monsters once a week or suffer d20 Damage
18 You can’t drink water again, it deals d10 Damage (and Impaired.) Blood, on the other hand
19 You can’t stand cooked meat, it must be raw. Eat and STR save or be Impaired for d4 days
20 Each morning WIL save or a parasite (and maybe the Referee) controls you for the day

What else? Well, if you want, I mean if you really need to know what happens when an idiot adventurer smokes a magic scroll (and of course you need to!), Tamás Kisbali has put together this very useful table.